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Betrayed by my emotions

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  • Betrayed by my emotions

    I fell in love with a girl I met online who's completely wrong for me. Very sweet girl, but not ready for a relationship. She's going through a bunch of hardships right now, two deaths in the family in two weeks, a breakup with a toxic ex two weeks ago, some problems that require therapy. I have been talking to her for four months and been there for her giving her a lot of emotional support and encouragement while she was struggling. I never intended to have feelings for her the just happened and were mutual for a while. We planned on meeting soon but things fell through.

    Then she got a crush on some jerk who's just like her ex last week. I could tell she lost interest in me at that point and I wasn't about to chase her. So, I left her on good terms yesterday to recover my feelings and get over her, and to give her space to pursue this guy if that's what she wants. It's just a crush that won't last but I needed to do this for me. I'm not too torn up over this, I'm just disappointed that I let my emotions get in the way. She could have left me at any point and I would have been just fine. I'm used to this happening and don't take it personally. I just got too caught up on the idea of her. Despite everything I'm still working out hard, going to work, and working on myself but I need to start dating others.

    I hate this "nice guy" feeling but that's really who I am at the core. I'm treat others well, but I don't act nice to get things in return. I still care about her and want to be her friend again when I'm over her because I really liked her that way and would prefer things stay platonic. I don't hate her or anything for this or want to leave forever. I actually understand the psychology fairly well and respect her boundaries, as she does mine. She's still contacting me asking if I'm okay and if I need anything. Not the first time this has happened but the first time where the girl and I had a good friendship before.

    My plan is to take 3-4 weeks off from her and work on some things I've put off, pick up a few new hobbies, apply for another job. My current one isn't giving me enough hours. And go back to college for a class I need to get out of the way to finish my degree next year. Been working out and making great improvements in strength and size but I haven't been taking my diet too seriously and need to cut some fat. So that's what I need to work on too. I will be okay.
    Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

  • #2
    Originally posted by TheGreatDivider View Post
    I fell in love with a girl I met online who's completely wrong for me. Very sweet girl, but not ready for a relationship. She's going through a bunch of hardships right now, two deaths in the family in two weeks, a breakup with a toxic ex two weeks ago, some problems that require therapy. I have been talking to her for four months and been there for her giving her a lot of emotional support and encouragement while she was struggling. I never intended to have feelings for her the just happened and were mutual for a while. We planned on meeting soon but things fell through.

    Then she got a crush on some jerk who's just like her ex last week. I could tell she lost interest in me at that point and I wasn't about to chase her. So, I left her on good terms yesterday to recover my feelings and get over her, and to give her space to pursue this guy if that's what she wants. It's just a crush that won't last but I needed to do this for me. I'm not too torn up over this, I'm just disappointed that I let my emotions get in the way. She could have left me at any point and I would have been just fine. I'm used to this happening and don't take it personally. I just got too caught up on the idea of her. Despite everything I'm still working out hard, going to work, and working on myself but I need to start dating others.

    I hate this "nice guy" feeling but that's really who I am at the core. I'm treat others well, but I don't act nice to get things in return. I still care about her and want to be her friend again when I'm over her because I really liked her that way and would prefer things stay platonic. I don't hate her or anything for this or want to leave forever. I actually understand the psychology fairly well and respect her boundaries, as she does mine. She's still contacting me asking if I'm okay and if I need anything. Not the first time this has happened but the first time where the girl and I had a good friendship before.

    My plan is to take 3-4 weeks off from her and work on some things I've put off, pick up a few new hobbies, apply for another job. My current one isn't giving me enough hours. And go back to college for a class I need to get out of the way to finish my degree next year. Been working out and making great improvements in strength and size but I haven't been taking my diet too seriously and need to cut some fat. So that's what I need to work on too. I will be okay.
    Umm so this is not your gf you have never even met .
    Umm it is a girl isn't it I mean the net and all .

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Pegasus View Post
      Umm so this is not your gf you have never even met .
      Umm it is a girl isn't it I mean the net and all .
      True, and yes.

      Definitely a woman and who she says she is.
      Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by TheGreatDivider View Post
        True, and yes.

        Definitely a woman and who she says she is.
        So you had a vid link and could clearly see female?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Pegasus View Post
          So you had a vid link and could clearly see female?
          Yes actually
          Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

          Comment


          • #6
            Thats a start.

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            • #7
              have you considered meeting and dating someone with few isues?

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              • #8
                That's the plan
                Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by TheGreatDivider View Post
                  That's the plan
                  How will you change to accomplish it?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Dude that post resonated with me. I've been in a few similar situations and decided to respectfully let go but end on good terms. It's tough but when you feel like it's the right thing to do it makes it easier in the long run. It also shows her you are mature and can handle your emotions well. There have been time where I chose to move on on good terms with someone and months or years later they just randomly pop back in your life and you kinda just pick up from where you left off.

                    You're doing the right thing, just keep working on you and improving your life and when you feel ready, jump back out there.
                    Progress Log | Extender Progress Log
                    Recommended Routine
                    2016 (5 1/2 x 4 1/2) > 2017 (7 5/8 x 5 5/8) > Jan 2020 (7 3/4 x 5 3/4) > Sept 2020 (8 x 5 3/4)
                    BPEL Gains: 2.5" | MEG Gains: 1.25"

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Pegasus View Post
                      How will you change to accomplish it?
                      Get my head on straight and not worry about it.

                      I always meet girlfriends when I'm happy and doing fine on my own
                      Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Ultimate Burrito View Post
                        Dude that post resonated with me. I've been in a few similar situations and decided to respectfully let go but end on good terms. It's tough but when you feel like it's the right thing to do it makes it easier in the long run. It also shows her you are mature and can handle your emotions well. There have been time where I chose to move on on good terms with someone and months or years later they just randomly pop back in your life and you kinda just pick up from where you left off.

                        You're doing the right thing, just keep working on you and improving your life and when you feel ready, jump back out there.
                        I have had so many of them come back after thinking that the grass is greener, or after dating some abusive bf or ex bf. I just treat women well and when things end I am mature about it and smoothly walk away. It's very rare for me to want to continue a friendship with them or talk to them again though.

                        I have this personal saying, "No pressure, no worries" when it comes to relationships. I don't pressure women to be with me and I don't take much of anything personally. If she gets FOMO and leaves or wants to pursue a crush, like this, I just bow out and cut my losses quickly. It's not like there isn't hundreds of millions of other women out there so it's not that big of a deal.
                        Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Hey! I hope you are hanging in there, is spite of the turn of events.

                          Not the best feeling in the world I imagine. You feel for her, and maybe she feels for you as well... but for whatever reason she just isn't ready to move forward. And unfortunately, that is where this story ends... for now. It's great that you're able to keep your door open, in case you decide to renew your friendship later on, but in meantime taking time off from her as you suggested is probably the best course of action right now.

                          What can help in the healing process is perspective. It's much easier for me to look at the big picture... since I have ZERO feelings involved! So one thing I could suggest if you want to exercise perspective, is to go on some relationship forum and provide your own perspective to someone who is going through a similar hardship. It's amazing how one can suddenly see a situation with crystal clear acuity when there is no desire other than wanting to help someone out. But when romantic feelings are involved, it's just a lot harder to see it.. and especially, to accept a bad outcome.

                          Final note: I wouldn't worry about the 'nice guy' thing. I actually prefer labeling it as "a man with kindness". 'Nice Guy' has been coined about 10 years ago as a general thematic of an insecure man who displays nice and proper behaviors as an underhanded way of impressing others to obtain favors or consideration from them. If no-name self-help authors want to take it up and exploit the 'Nice Guy' theme to make money or a career off of it... that's their thing. But a man with a heart, or a man with kindness is something entirely different. If this is you, then never worry. The right lady will come along... it is only a question of when.

                          Much love,

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                          • #14
                            Yeah the minute you try to control the relationship to make it work is the minute the relationship takes control of you. I too just keep the flow natural and if it's meant to be then it will. Doesn't mean that it doesn't require work and effort but you shouldn't have to make someone like you or want to be with you by changing who you are or using manipulation.
                            Progress Log | Extender Progress Log
                            Recommended Routine
                            2016 (5 1/2 x 4 1/2) > 2017 (7 5/8 x 5 5/8) > Jan 2020 (7 3/4 x 5 3/4) > Sept 2020 (8 x 5 3/4)
                            BPEL Gains: 2.5" | MEG Gains: 1.25"

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                            • #15
                              We talked for a bit today, I feel a lot better about the whole situation. I had to reassure her that I'm not mad at her and I'm not doing this to punish her. I need to give her space to be with her crush and get her needs met by him and not the both of us. And I need to get over my crush on her so I can be her friend later. It's just a rebound relationship she's using to get over her toxic ex that won't last more than a few months, and will probably end just as badly. This is something she's never experienced before and I have to give her her freedom to go through it.

                              Normally I wouldn't even bother with being friends with an ex crush but I care about her as a friend. We talked all the time before this and I helped her talk through some personal problems. She's returned the favor many times too. Her psychologist and her parents know about me and a lot of what I've done for her, that's how deep this goes.

                              With that being said I told her I needed about three weeks of no contact and left. She has my number in case of emergencies. We have friends in common she can go to that will notify me if something is wrong. And her parents have my number.
                              Sex is the great leveler, taste the great divider. - Pauline Kael

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