Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need some advice with recent breakup

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Need some advice with recent breakup

    Hey guys, new here and just needed a place to vent and put it out there and get some input. This may be lengthy.
    I was with this girl for a year and a half. The first few months I didn't feel she was committed to me so I ended up cheating on her twice with a former fwb. A few months pass and we got really serious. I fell in love with her and she was head over heels for me. I bought her a vehicle, took her in, and paid her living expenses for an entire year. Just recently in January she started working her first job and started contributing to the household by sending all the money she earned into my account and I took care of everything.
    Fast forward a couple of months in late April she got a job at Hooters. Everything was going good until about a few weeks in. She had made friends with two girls and a friend group that would come in frequently to shoot pool. I trusted this girl entirely, I thought we were inseparable. She was all over me with affection, I was to her, we were looking at buying a home together and getting our futures established. I viewed a home with her and she loved it, called her mother and told her how excited she was. Two days later, she hangs out with her friends and doesn't text me or come home until after I fell asleep at midnight. This was very unusual for her but I let it slide because I was happy she was finally having friends after being cooped up with me for a year and no social life. I woke up the next morning kind of annoyed, she tried to hug me and I just laid on her and then left to work. The next day she did the same thing, said she was going to get her nails done and go to top golf, I send her the money and she goes out to have fun. This time she was out really late again and when I woke up at 3:30 A.m she wasn't home. I panicked and thought the worst may have happened to her. I called her and she picked up, said she was outside in the parking lot. She came up after sitting out there for about 30 minutes and I had a sit down talk with her about her unusual behavior. She sat quietly and listened and just stared off into space.
    After my speech was finished, she sat there on the couch in silence for about 15 minutes. She finally looked at me and said, "for the past month I have lost feelings for you, I am no longer in love with you and don't see us working out long term." I was shocked...Just about 5 days ago we were celebrating my birthday having a great time, and just two days earlier she was calling her mother all excited about the home we viewed. I was devastated. I went into my room and cried like a bitch into my pillow and she was balling saying she was sorry and she was gonna go stay at her friends house.
    The next day my sadness turned into anger and I suspended her phone line. She immediately transferred 1k out of my account that I couldn't stop and then attempted a 10,000 wire transfer that I thankfully blocked. An entire week went by going at each others throats over the money, back and forth with the vehicle I bought her, and she came over grabbed all her shit and I got her off the lease.


    About a week and a half goes by of hardly any contact and she sends me a message on facebook with pictures of her crying and that she quit her job at hooters and has lost everything. That she was in love with me and made a terrible mistake and was under a bad influence with the new friend group. And that she wants me back but said there was something that could prevent that from happening. She told me she was sleeping with a guy just for a place to stay and was using him only for shelter and begged for forgiveness. That she wanted to run away to a different place with me and start over. I said no thanks and she then did the whole I'm gonna kill myself spill. So at this point I am hurt, I get emotional and told her I cheated on her twice at the beginning of our relationship. She immediately went on an insult tirade and blocked me. This was 5 days ago.
    I know the guy she is seeing is verbally abusive and she told my sister about it all. My sister is 100% convinced she will not last with him. I reached out to her the day she blocked me with a love email and told her I am willing to forgive and forget if she will and we can fix this. Her only response was if she can get some crap out of my apartment so she can take to the new dudes house when she gets back from her trip. She fled to her family in florida after she sent me all those messages because I sent them to her friends and the guy she was staying with. She left with one luggage and all of her stuff is at the new guys house.


    So guys, this is what I am struggling with. I feel like deep down she is still in love with me, but she feels I did her wrong financially, I cheated on her, and she would have to face my family and her new situation if she were to come back home. At the same time, she did this to me with no knowledge I cheated on her. She did it so abruptly, after being really affectionate with me. I have lost feelings for a woman before and my actions were the opposite. I distanced myself and gave her no affection. She didn't do that with me. she was trying to hug and kiss me two days prior to the breakup. she told me she was testing me with it and that I just brushed her off, which I did because I was agitated with what she was doing at the time. I don't know what to think or believe. Part of me thinks she is just young, she is 20, and she is just confused and this new guy and group have changed her and put a barrier up and deep down this isnt her. but then another part of me says it is impossible to do that to somebody you are in love with.


    At this time I have broke contact with her in every way. I feel like she wont reach out to me until she comes back from her trip and to the new guy and hits rock bottom when she realizes they wont last. Or maybe she will never reach out to me again. I am willing to forgive her and move forward with her during her time out there but if she goes back to that guys place I can't take her back. I have been severely depressed with this situation and have already last 20 pounds in less than two weeks as I have barely eaten. I am so hurt by this it wont leave my head, I don't know what to do. I am so confused. Just a month ago she was telling me in the shower if I died before her she would kill herself and just a week prior she was telling my family she wanted to get married. Half my family thinks she is confused and isn't being herself and is easily influenced and will come back. The other half says she didn't love me. How could she go from super affectionate and enjoying our time together to such an abrupt stop that nobody saw coming?


    What do you guys think?

  • #2
    You can do better.

    Comment


    • #3
      Part of me thinks it is karma for me cheating on her at the beginning of the relationship. But she did me way worse than I did her. She has nothing now. No job, lost a lot of family that loved her, and barely any money and now she is an adult with bills coming in. I predict she will either stay in Florida with what few family she has there and stay there, or go back to that guys place where she left all her clothes.

      I know she will eventually reach out to me begging for me to take her back when she compares her life now to what it was and realizes it is much worse. She had everything. A man that was in love with her and did everything for her. Paid her way through everything, paying for her school, etc. I guess she just took me for granted.. She may be relieved initially but with time it will all sink in. The dude she left me for is a complete downgrade in looks and personality. It is just a matter of time.

      When the time comes I am not sure what I am going to do. I feel I may give it another chance but it is going to take some serious work to get through the issues. But I am willing. In the meantime, I am still hurt but am getting better. I am using this no contact period to better myself. I also have forgiven her. I forgive her because it has given me peace.

      Comment


      • #4
        Don’t get back with her. Let her watch you flourish into an even greater man from a distance.

        She is still a child and you’d be playing more of a big brother role based on what you said above.
        1 inch at a time
        GOAL: +1.5 BPEL, +1 MEG
        Progress Log

        Comment


        • #5
          On what you have said above your relationship sounds toxic. It wasn't healthy having her depend on you for so much, so early on in the relationship. Its not normal thinking to be so obsessed with each other. I know Hollywood films portray this in romantic films but it's not healthy nor right.

          20 is young and she does need to grow as person and you only do that by living your life, making good and bad decisions and reaping the consequences.

          My advice, work on yourself, let things be with her. If she contacts you, then decide what you both want and need out of the relationship.

          Comment


          • #6
            It seems like you feel responsible for how shes doing now, you don't owe her anything bro, this isn't a charity dude. If she left you, thats one thing, but you stopped paying for her phone and stuff which was your right, and because of that she tried to steal your money. I wouldn't ever trust someone like that, if this is how someone acts when they're desperate, they wouldn't hesitate throwing you under the bus if it ever came to it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks guys for your input. You're right, I don't owe her anything. When she chose to leave she forfeited her bills being paid. And I am glad I did because the next day I am sure she was already sleeping with the dude. So for her to think she is owed money while she breaks up with me and then fucks somebody else is absurd. When I told her I cheated on her she immediately played victim saying "I left you before I slept with somebody else and you did it while you were with me." Basically using that to downplay what she did. I hope with time she realizes what she did was wrong. If she comes back around, I already have a psychologist lined up for her so she can get some help and an impartial perspective that isn't coming from friends and family.

              I am on day 6 since the no contact period has started. I am slowly starting to feel better throughout the day. Every now and then a period of sadness hits but it doesn't last as long as it did weeks ago.
              Last edited by Nitrochicken1994; 06-15-2021, 07:11 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                I always wonder what the other side of the story is
                Going an inch and 1/2 deeper than before

                Comment


                • #9
                  I'm sorry I didn't read it all but most. I got some serious sugar daddy vibes. What's the age difference between you two?

                  She clings to you and all is well, then gets a friend group and puts you on the back burner, when she hits the bottom and her resources from you are cut off she tried to come back. Frankly, I'd never recommend large purchases, things that involve contracts or lines of credit for someone you aren't seriously dating/engaged/married. It doesn't seem like she earned anything, you just gave it all to her and that does not promote loyalty. Instead it turns you into a resource and you'll find it hard to know if she ever will truly love you/want to be with you because of who you are or is it just what you can do for her.

                  In my opinion, everything is tainted here and its better to swallow the pills of grief now by letting her go completely than to prolong it. Next, learn from this and don't spoil a girl for her affection. Just seems like some of the things you did here was equally as damaging.
                  Last edited by Ultimate Burrito; 06-15-2021, 08:41 AM. Reason: Reread some things
                  Progress Log | Extender Progress Log
                  Recommended Routine
                  2016 (5 1/2 x 4 1/2) > 2017 (7 5/8 x 5 5/8) > Jan 2020 (7 3/4 x 5 3/4) > Sept 2020 (8 x 5 3/4)
                  BPEL Gains: 2.5" | MEG Gains: 1.25"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I am 27 and she is 20. Her reasoning for losing feelings for me were things such as how I treat others, I am judgmental, she assumed I looked at her as an investment cause I would always talk about money and how much we would make when she got through nursing school, the jokes I would make about marriage she assumed I only wanted to get married for financial benefits. I think it was a combination of all of that and when she got around her new friends she told them about it, they gave her bad influence and it solidified in her that she can do better, I don't love her, and that I am a bad person. When she broke things off she said she didn't care about money and that I cared about it too much. Weird considering she tried to take 10 grand and then slept with someone for shelter.

                    I took care of her because I thought we were inseparable and would last a lifetime. I took steps to make it to where she could be self reliant. I helped her get her license, her own bank account, a car, and helped her get a job when the time was right. I've identified the issues that I have and the mistakes that I made and this is a life lesson for me to learn and grow as a person. I just hope time makes her feel the same way.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Nitrochicken1994 View Post
                      Hey guys, new here and just needed a place to vent and put it out there and get some input. This may be lengthy.
                      I was with this girl for a year and a half. The first few months I didn't feel she was committed to me so I ended up cheating on her twice with a former fwb. A few months pass and we got really serious. I fell in love with her and she was head over heels for me. I bought her a vehicle, took her in, and paid her living expenses for an entire year. Just recently in January she started working her first job and started contributing to the household by sending all the money she earned into my account and I took care of everything.
                      Fast forward a couple of months in late April she got a job at Hooters. Everything was going good until about a few weeks in. She had made friends with two girls and a friend group that would come in frequently to shoot pool. I trusted this girl entirely, I thought we were inseparable. She was all over me with affection, I was to her, we were looking at buying a home together and getting our futures established. I viewed a home with her and she loved it, called her mother and told her how excited she was. Two days later, she hangs out with her friends and doesn't text me or come home until after I fell asleep at midnight. This was very unusual for her but I let it slide because I was happy she was finally having friends after being cooped up with me for a year and no social life. I woke up the next morning kind of annoyed, she tried to hug me and I just laid on her and then left to work. The next day she did the same thing, said she was going to get her nails done and go to top golf, I send her the money and she goes out to have fun. This time she was out really late again and when I woke up at 3:30 A.m she wasn't home. I panicked and thought the worst may have happened to her. I called her and she picked up, said she was outside in the parking lot. She came up after sitting out there for about 30 minutes and I had a sit down talk with her about her unusual behavior. She sat quietly and listened and just stared off into space.
                      After my speech was finished, she sat there on the couch in silence for about 15 minutes. She finally looked at me and said, "for the past month I have lost feelings for you, I am no longer in love with you and don't see us working out long term." I was shocked...Just about 5 days ago we were celebrating my birthday having a great time, and just two days earlier she was calling her mother all excited about the home we viewed. I was devastated. I went into my room and cried like a bitch into my pillow and she was balling saying she was sorry and she was gonna go stay at her friends house.
                      The next day my sadness turned into anger and I suspended her phone line. She immediately transferred 1k out of my account that I couldn't stop and then attempted a 10,000 wire transfer that I thankfully blocked. An entire week went by going at each others throats over the money, back and forth with the vehicle I bought her, and she came over grabbed all her shit and I got her off the lease.


                      About a week and a half goes by of hardly any contact and she sends me a message on facebook with pictures of her crying and that she quit her job at hooters and has lost everything. That she was in love with me and made a terrible mistake and was under a bad influence with the new friend group. And that she wants me back but said there was something that could prevent that from happening. She told me she was sleeping with a guy just for a place to stay and was using him only for shelter and begged for forgiveness. That she wanted to run away to a different place with me and start over. I said no thanks and she then did the whole I'm gonna kill myself spill. So at this point I am hurt, I get emotional and told her I cheated on her twice at the beginning of our relationship. She immediately went on an insult tirade and blocked me. This was 5 days ago.
                      I know the guy she is seeing is verbally abusive and she told my sister about it all. My sister is 100% convinced she will not last with him. I reached out to her the day she blocked me with a love email and told her I am willing to forgive and forget if she will and we can fix this. Her only response was if she can get some crap out of my apartment so she can take to the new dudes house when she gets back from her trip. She fled to her family in florida after she sent me all those messages because I sent them to her friends and the guy she was staying with. She left with one luggage and all of her stuff is at the new guys house.


                      So guys, this is what I am struggling with. I feel like deep down she is still in love with me, but she feels I did her wrong financially, I cheated on her, and she would have to face my family and her new situation if she were to come back home. At the same time, she did this to me with no knowledge I cheated on her. She did it so abruptly, after being really affectionate with me. I have lost feelings for a woman before and my actions were the opposite. I distanced myself and gave her no affection. She didn't do that with me. she was trying to hug and kiss me two days prior to the breakup. she told me she was testing me with it and that I just brushed her off, which I did because I was agitated with what she was doing at the time. I don't know what to think or believe. Part of me thinks she is just young, she is 20, and she is just confused and this new guy and group have changed her and put a barrier up and deep down this isnt her. but then another part of me says it is impossible to do that to somebody you are in love with.


                      At this time I have broke contact with her in every way. I feel like she wont reach out to me until she comes back from her trip and to the new guy and hits rock bottom when she realizes they wont last. Or maybe she will never reach out to me again. I am willing to forgive her and move forward with her during her time out there but if she goes back to that guys place I can't take her back. I have been severely depressed with this situation and have already last 20 pounds in less than two weeks as I have barely eaten. I am so hurt by this it wont leave my head, I don't know what to do. I am so confused. Just a month ago she was telling me in the shower if I died before her she would kill herself and just a week prior she was telling my family she wanted to get married. Half my family thinks she is confused and isn't being herself and is easily influenced and will come back. The other half says she didn't love me. How could she go from super affectionate and enjoying our time together to such an abrupt stop that nobody saw coming?


                      What do you guys think?
                      Well, where to start

                      You started off a relationship by banging someone else, she got a job and put all of her checks into your account.

                      You bought her a car. Take the car and give her some dsmn money, you sound like a very controlling person.

                      She dumped you, it happens.

                      Maybe you are much more to blame than you are willing to admit, sorry, gotta call it like I see it.

                      Don't cheat on the next one, this one has no chance
                      Going an inch and 1/2 deeper than before

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I wasn't controlling in the slightest. I trusted her with every fiber of me and I let her do whatever she wanted which is why it didn't bother me letting her work at Hooters.

                        Yes she sent me her checks, but her checks didn't even come close to covering half of the shared household expenses. Also, she was only sending me checks for 5 months. I paid ALL of her living expenses for a little over a year plus two semesters of college. She got her 1,000 dollars from me and I helped her get into a new car loan by taking a 3,000 dollar hit trading in the vehicle I had bought.

                        I know I fucked up at the beginning, and after I fucked up and felt she was committed to me I treated her like a queen. She dumped me a few days after looking at homes and talking about marriage. She basically became a whore the following day and was banging a guy for "shelter." She expected me to pay her bills and give her money with that callous of a way to break up with someone? Maybe if it was clean and not that cruel I may have been more generous. But I feel I was more than generous as it was. I appreciate the different input however I just disagree with most of it. Her lack of communication is in my opinion what made the relationship fail. She was the type to bottle everything up and then make impulsive decisions. If she had let me know certain things that were bothering her, I could have addressed them as they were really just small things that was easily correctable and I told her that and she even admitted the lack of communication is why it failed.

                        I don't necessarily believe this is over just yet. I know deep down beneath the anger that she loves me. She wouldn't have reached out to me the way she did a week and a half after the breakup if she didn't. If she can forgive me as I forgave her and we both see our psychologist there may be a chance we can start anew with a much stronger foundation and with the tools to succeed. At least that is what I hope for despite almost everybody telling me I should not take her back haha
                        Last edited by Nitrochicken1994; 06-16-2021, 06:33 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I doubt we heard the full story .
                          That said if half what you said is true you can do better .
                          Mind you suspect you deserve each other .

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Its worrying that you dont see your controlling behaviour. I'm not saying you're some sort of tyrant but the fact you were paying for her life like a parent would a child is controlling. And as children do, they get a little independence and go wild....

                            Also your wording above shows a controlling personality... " it didnt bother me letting her work in Hooters.

                            Thirdly 20 and 27 is a big age gap.. as you get older the age gap against actual years decreases but teen and early twenties, its massive. She's probably not at the level of maturity to have a serious relationship yet.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I've learned the hard way not to judge break-ups without hearing both sides of the story. And even when you do hear both sides, you just sense that neither party is being completely honest with others or themselves.

                              That said, this relationship seemed fraught with serious issues from the early weeks and seemed to get worse. You guys just don't seem like a good match. Could be better if you each just move on and find a better match.

                              I think alot of people go through this "in a bad relationship", "know to get out of it", then for whatever reason, "want right back in it." One person of the couple want back together and the other doesn't. Then a little later the roles reverse. Repeat. Maybe a brief FWB situation, then another break-up. I've been through this. That was 20 years ago and knowing what she's put her new husband through since then, I thank my freakin' lucky stars I never got back with her!!!
                              Start: BPEL 6.75', EG 5.8", BPFL 4.5", FG 4.7", BPFSL 7.0"
                              05/2021: BPEL 7.65, EG 6.0, BPFL 5.8, FG 5.0", BPFSL 8.0"
                              Goal: BPEL 8.0", EG 6.0", BPFL 5.75" FG 5.0", BPFSL 8.5"

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X