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A Laugh for the Forum

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  • A Laugh for the Forum

    Voted best joke in Australia

    Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

    "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

    His wife replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

    The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."

    I've got a Tiger by the tail.

  • #2
    Quiet in Alaska

    Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
    Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys
    50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
    possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets
    groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace
    and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation,
    someone knocks on his door. He opens It and sees a
    huge, bearded man standing there.
    "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
    ..Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you
    might like to come. About 5:00."
    "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
    ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
    you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
    "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the
    business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
    Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More
    'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get
    along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there
    Thanks again."
    "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
    "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming
    the idea "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
    definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

    "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us.

    I've got a Tiger by the tail.


    • #3
      An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a
      As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
      She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
      He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
      breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

      She said, "I'm a lesbian.
      I spend my whole day thinking about women.
      As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,
      I think about women. When I watch TV,
      I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.
      It seems that everything makes me think of women."
      The two sat sipping in silence.
      A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
      He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

      I've got a Tiger by the tail.


      • #4
        A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a
        baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
        It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" He said, "Just hold its nose."
        The man is expected to recover.

        However, the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

        I've got a Tiger by the tail.


        • #5
          A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
          Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.
          They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"
          Blowjobs!" the woman replied.
          It hasn t been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's more blowjobs for her!
          She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.
          The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
          In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here.

          I've got a Tiger by the tail.


          • #6
            An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

            The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

            As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

            The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out without your clothes on."

            Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

            I've got a Tiger by the tail.


            • #7
              I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we
              decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
              encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
              thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to
              be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy,
              who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel

              One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the
              invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered
              to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
              for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed
              my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

              What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
              So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just
              come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the

              I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
              door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

              Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me
              and said, "we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little
              test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
              to the family."

              Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.

              I've got a Tiger by the tail.


              • #8
                Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
                as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
                next hole.

                The ball hit one of the men.

                He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to
                the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

                The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

                'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
                relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

                'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
                He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
                his hands together at his groin.

                At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
                his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put

                her hands inside.

                She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
                'How does that feel'?

                He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken


                • #9
                  I had to wipe the coffee off my screen on a few of those.
                  "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein


                  • #10
                    I'll try and submit a couple a day.

                    I've got a Tiger by the tail.


                    • #11
                      Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
                      Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
                      After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's
                      house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
                      As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly.
                      "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
                      With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
                      Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
                      In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
                      Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

                      Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

                      I've got a Tiger by the tail.


                      • #12
                        Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
                        girl and some construction workers:

                        A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a
                        construction crew turned up to start building a
                        house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally
                        took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much
                        of each day observing the workers.

                        Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
                        less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
                        her sit with them while they had coffee and
                        lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
                        feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her
                        with a pay envelope containing a check, made out in her name for ten dollars.

                        The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
                        appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the ten
                        dollar "pay check" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
                        savings account.

                        When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
                        the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
                        young age.

                        The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
                        building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the
                        teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

                        The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
                        deliver the fucking sheet rock . . ."

                        I've got a Tiger by the tail.


                        • #13
                          Don't know what happened when I tried to copy the above joke here. I tried and tried to delete this post and it just wouldn't go away. I went advanced but it just kept popping back up. Wierd. Do you need Mod status to be able to physically remove a post? This has happened twice now. The other time was with the chart. It didn't post right and I just couldn't delete it.

                          I've got a Tiger by the tail.


                          • #14
                            I took care of it, JP.

                            I hate that too, as it often happens to me on other forums (where I can't delete the post), and I'm so use to it here.
                            "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein


                            • #15
                              Tools And Their Proper Use

                              DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda pop across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

                              WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou sheeeet...."

                              ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

                              SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

                              PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
                              blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

                              BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
                              touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

                              HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

                              VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                              WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

                              OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

                              WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

                              TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

                              HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

                              EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

                              TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

                              E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

                              RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

                              TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

                              CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

                              AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

                              TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

                              PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

                              STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

                              AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

                              PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

                              HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

                              HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

                              MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

                              DAMMMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMMMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need!

                              I've got a Tiger by the tail.